


Natural Instinct

by Jillian



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jensen, Coming Out, First Time, High School, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Top Adam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:20:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3801670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillian/pseuds/Jillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Adam are both High School seniors. Adam is out and proud, Jensen is not. He's scared, terrified. He fears how the world will react if he ever comes out. What starts out as help from 'the guy that also walks the tracks' aka Adam, grows into something that even Adam needs to learn to understand. Why do feral instincts keep popping up every time Jensen is near?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It all started with this picture http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m280qvimgc1qkg4nvo1_500.jpg ;)  
> The need to write Adam jumping Jensen's ass was so strong, I just had to do something with it. What started out as a simple pwp idea, soon grew into this...

‚Jen, you coming?’ Jared asks as he closes his gym locker. It’s obvious his friend is stalling. How long does it take to tie your shoes?

‚Yeah, just a sec.’ Jensen is not really in a hurry. He knows Ginny will be at their lunch table and he definitely is not in a mood for another round of explaining why he broke up with her. No matter how many renditions of ‚but we are made for each other’ or the standard fall out where she accuses him of being the worst boyfriend _everrrrr_. Yeah, no thank you. He’d rather skip lunch all together than go through that for a third week in a row. 

‚Look, Mischa said he’d try to talk to Ginny so who knows she might not even be there today. Trust me, we could all take a break from her. She’s a great girl but break-ups don’t make her look pretty. Do us all a favor; try not to date anyone ever again from our school unless you intend to marry her. This is the third time this year, man.’

‚So, what? You want me to keep dating them because you don’t want to lose friends? Shouldn’t you instead be thankful that I stop dating chicks who can apparently only be friends with us when I am dating them? Yah, didn’t think so, you’re welcome.’

‚But did you really have to break it off with Angela? Cause she was all kinds of awesome.’

‚No she wasn’t, she was insanely jealous. I couldn’t even talk to my mom without getting a third degree from her afterwards. When I found her going through my drawers, looking for my diary, cause of course I’m supposed to keep one, I kicked her out.’

‚Why do they always think you keep a diary? Don’t they get it? We’re guys, we don’t do that kind of shit.’

‚Right?’ Jensen said a little too quickly. He’s been keeping a diary ever since he was 12 but no matter how much he loves his best friend, that little piece of information is something he will forever keep to himself.

As they’re walking towards the doors that lead them far away from the gym building, Jensen swats Danneel’s ass as he walks past her, trying not to hear her yell a reminder for the game they’re cheering this weekend. He flips his other cheer-bud the bird and exits the building, seriously hoping Ginny doesn’t show up.

^v^

As soon as the door closes behind Jensen, Adam slumps against his locker releasing a breath he had been holding again. He isn’t surprised that Jensen doesn’t say anything to him. The guy probably doesn’t even know his name, let alone that he runs around the cheerleading court every gym class he has and has been doing so for the last two years. 

Adam picks up his bag and gets his phone out of his pocket. He doesn’t swat anyone’s ass or flip birds. He does smile at Danneel though and gets a sweet smile back. He likes Danneel, she’s nice. Not like most of her other cheerleading friends.

His phone beeps as he walks up to the cafeteria. Without checking, he knows it’s Tommy letting him know he’s out of class. Just like he knows Tommy has probably already sent him at least three more within the last 50 minutes. 

_*Dude, stop staring at his ass. They’re serving tater tots today, get your ass over here._

Tommy is probably the only one who knows about Adam’s crush on Jensen. Not that he’s still in any closet or anything. Everyone knew he was gay long before he stopped pretending he wasn’t. He just doesn’t talk to anyone about it. Except to Tommy, but it’s kinda hard not to tell him anything. The fucker knows everything, even if Adam doesn’t say it. He realized early on that It’s just easier to tell him.

_*He left already, bitch._

_*Did u fuck him yet?  
*Or at least tell him u want to pound his ass so hard he’ll be feeling it for days?_

_*He needs to acknowledge my existence first, remember?  
* & after that it would be nice if he listened to the constant beep of his gaydar going off._

_*I still don’t get where ur signals come from. I don’t want u to get hurt once u find out he’s not batting for ur team after all._

_*IDGI either. Only thing I can base it on is this primal urge I feel every time I see him._  
*No don’t start. I know u think it’s a simple crush but remember Dean? i was NOT attracted to him. But the vibe is similar  & he came out last year.  
*But w/ J it’s stronger. It’s as if every time he is near me, primal instincts take over & all my entire being can think about is to claim him. 

_*u cute  
*u almost here yet?_

_*u got me my tater tots?_

_*eye roll_

‚Aw, you did get me my tots.’ Tommy is probably also the only one he’s somehow not shy around. 

Adam met Tommy when they were five. Adam watched as this hyper kid on a bike tried to stunt on his bike but failed. He had also noticed that this kid tried very hard not to cry but had difficulty keeping the lie up. When the kid's other friends kept going, they didn’t notice he didn’t follow and that’s when Adam ran over to him. Why would friends leave another friend behind when he is in pain?

‚Are you okay? Does it hurt bad? Want me to booboo-kiss the pain away? That always helps when my mommy does it?’

‚Dude, I’m almost six, that doesn’t work on me anymore’ 

‚Wanna bet?’ Adam had replied. ‚I bet I can do it! I bet for… a lollypop!’

‚Deal!’

And that, as they say, was the beginning of a unique friendship.

‚So, what’s got your balls in a twist? Lizz still not putting out?’

‚Fuck, man. She’s so scared her family will find out that she won’t even let’s me touch her tits. And I mean not even over her fucking top. She freaks out if I try to touch her bra. But I don’t know what I did wrong this time. The last few days she’s just ignoring me. I’m trying to find out what she wants for her birthday but that’s kinda hard if she’s not answering my texts.’ Tommy loves his girlfriend but after 6 months he would not mind a little action.

‚Dude, her birthday was on monday! Don’t tell me you forgot?’

‚Monday? If you’re fucking joking I’m running over to your boyfriend and tell him all about your crush. This isn’t funny. She told me it was the 15th, that’s not for another 4 weeks!’

‚ _Monday_ was the 15th, you dick.’

Adam can’t help himself, he laughs so hard as he watches his best friend turn white as a sheet while he packs his stuff to go and find the girl he still hopes to call his girlfriend.

As he watches his friend run out of the cafeteria, his eye catches the table that Jensen and his friends occupy. Ginny is screaming Jensen’s head off again. Even if Adam didn’t have the world’s largest crush on the guy, he would still be feeling sorry for him. This girl does not take a break-up well and she doesn’t care if the world knows she’s been wronged. 

Adam wonders if Jensen had told her the truth when he dumped her. Not the whole being gay thing because Jensen still hasn't fully figured that out himself or he refuses to figure it out, whatever. But that he never loved the girl. Sure there had been affection, the entire school had been able to see that, but not love.

Everyone is watching the so-called spectacle and that gives Adam a free pass to ogle Jensen’s long, bent legs. They’re perfect for wrapping around his waist. And that ass… that has been the center of many jerk-fests already, imagining them so red from slapping it hard. He really needs to stop, he should not look at that mouth, those full lips, because Adam can already feel his dick growing. 

^v^

Kill him, kill him now. Take your time, even a slow and torturous death surely can’t be as painful as the hell Jensen is going through now. 

When he had first started dating Ginny, he had already had doubts about it all but hey, she was pretty arm candy and he hadn’t had a girlfriend in two months and he didn’t want people to start talking… again. Within a week he had known it had been a mistake. Yes, she was still pretty arm candy and they had fun, but that’s all it had been; fun. Nothing more.

But at least now she is getting somewhere. She’s going through the bitter recital today, that usually means the end is near and soon she’ll make scenes of avoiding him. Good. Finally. He just hates the bitter recital. 

She’s going through a chorus of all of their sexual encounters now. Not that he’d gone all the way with her yet. It just hadn’t felt right but at the time she had said she respected him for wanting to wait. 

‚Did you guys know that the one time I actually did manage to get him to want to do it, he couldn’t even get it up? Not even after blowing him for half an hour?’

‚Fuck you, Ginny. We were drunk off our asses, of course I couldn’t get it up. Not even Ron Jeremy would’ve been able to get it up with the amount of alcohol that was flowing through our veins. Besides, you passed out, remember?’ 

He could bring her down, right here, right now and say she passed out with his dick still in her mouth, which she did, he still has the picture to prove that, he might be a dick at times but at least a gentledick.

But it still does the trick he is hoping for. Ginny storms out, screaming. He can't even care that everyone is looking at him. Just as long as he has Ginny and her psycho shit off his back.

Jensen tries not to look around the cafeteria but fails. As expected, everyone is still looking at him. They all have the same shocked expression on their faces, except for one face. But Jensen quickly looks away before he gives himself a chance to figure out what those piercing blue eyes are saying. He can’t deal with that right now too.

He knows he has to deal with that sooner or later though… just not today.

‚Jensen! Earth to Jensen! You okay, man?’ Jared always comes to the rescue.

‚Yeah…’ Jensen hesitates. Still not over what just happened… and Ginny has nothing to do with that happening. ‚I’m fine, man. Do you think she’ll finally stay away now?’

‚I think that last blow back just might have done the trick. Thank god. Now, on to the next one, but please, make that one last longer than the last three.’

‚No way, man, I’m done with chicks for a while. I’ve had enough drama to last me a lifetime. Why can’t chicks be more like guys?’

‚You seriously want me to answer that question? Look, you’re gonna be fine. Ginny is finally history, you can start to figure out what you want now.’ See, this is why Jared is his best friend. He can cheer up his friend while he is stuffing his mouth so full, you can hardly make out what he’s saying by the end of the sentence.

Not that he has any idea of what he wants. Well, he does. Sort of. But again, wrong time, wrong place to dwell on that for what he hopes will be a looooong time. 

‚Ready to go?’ Jared snaps him out of his thoughts. His plate, that Jensen had seen was full mere minutes ago, is now completely empty. How does he do that?

As he walks out of the cafeteria, slinging his school bag over his shoulder, Jensen looks back to where he had seen the piercing blue eyes. He weirdly needs to know who they belong to. The spot is empty. As if no one had even sat there earlier.

All throughout history class, he can’t keep his head with whatever Mrs. Carlson is saying. He doesn’t even know if they’re still on the fall of the Berlin Wall and the impact it had had on the world or if they’ve moved on to whatever happened next in the world that she feels her students need to know because it might be important in their future careers. 

He doesn’t even care. Yes, sure everything Mrs. Carlson is telling her class about is important. He might not need it in his own future career but he does love this stuff. But right now figuring out who those damned blue eyes belong to. 

He realises by now that it is a guy because his eyebrows had been too full to be a girl’s. He’s pretty sure he has a darker shade of hair. But he also remembers very light make-up. Like, just that goo-y stuff on his lashes and some of that black cole-shit underneath his eyes. Almost invisible but just enough to accentuate his eyes more.

Holy fuck… 

He knows who it is!


	2. Chapter 2

_*U still up?_  
*Or r u making up w Lizz? ;-)  
*I know u r not asleep 

Damn it, Adam really needs someone to talk to but as understanding as his parents are, sharing his crushes with them is just weird, right? He’s not even thinking about going to his brother, Neil would just make fun of him and tell the entire school on monday.

That’s why he really needs to talk to Tommy. Who’s not answering his texts…

The moment Jensen’s eyes met Adam’s, Adam freaked out. It had only been a split-second freak-out but it had still been one, none the less. By the time he had collected himself, Jensen was already sitting down again and talking to his friend. 

But for that split second they had looked at each other, Adam had felt something inexplicable. Not a spark or anything cause this isn’t the movies but he had felt _something_. And that primal urge to just take him followed immediately after that.

That’s why he bolted. He ran from the cafeteria as if it had caught on fire. How no one had looked up funny at him, surprised him a little. He had made an utter fool of himself by running like he had. He had run so fast, he had even passed Ginny in the hallway. He didn’t stop running until he made it to English class.

Tommy never made it to English class, like Adam expected. Tommy was probably groveling at Lizz’s feet, hoping beyond hope she would forgive him for the fuck up. He didn’t see him in any of the following classes anymore either, nor was he waiting for Adam at his car to drive back home. 

Lizz had probably been making him suffer, just like he totally deserved. She’s the sweetest girl ever but couldn’t she have punished him another day? Right now he really needs his best friend. 

Adam sends a few more texts before he falls asleep with his phone in his hands. A text at 2 in the morning doesn’t wake him up. Neither do the next few that follow immediately after that. Not even his alarm clock wakes him. 

It isn’t until his father comes barging in to his room, telling him he has about 20 minutes before he will officially late for school, that he wakes from the weird dreams he he’s had all night long.

He has never changed his clothes and packed his bag so fast. Hair and make-up can wait until he is waiting at traffic lights. Within 10 minutes he is in the car. 3 minutes later he picks up a sleepy Tommy and they make it to school as the first bell rings.

‚Where the fuck were you? I’d been waiting for 20 minutes, you dick. You don’t respond to my texts, even after you beg me to reply.’

‚I slept through everything this morning.’ Adam whispers out of breath. ‚But I waited for your reply until I fell asleep. It’s not my fault you’re insomniac. I didn’t know you replied though.’

Mr. Anderson shoots the boys a look, clearly not impressed by the private combo his two students find more important than the mathematical equation that they are supposed to solve. 

Adam blushes while he writes down the assignment that’s up on the chalk board. Tommy only snickers and continues checking his timeline on Facebook behind his textbook. He is never going to get math so why lie to himself by trying and failing?

‚Dude, read those texts, you owe me.’ Tommy whispers.

‚We need to finish this assignment, Mr. Anderson already looks pissed. Don’t make me go to detention.’

‚Gentlemen, you clearly have something to share that can’t wait until the end of this class. Take the stage, we are all listening.’ 

‚Adam was just worried sir. He knows how hard I find it to solve these equations. He just asked me if I needed any help.’ Tommy answers before Adam can blink.

‚That is very kind of Mr. Lambert to worry like that.’

‚He truly is the _best friend_ anyone could wish for, sir.’ Adam got that message alright.

‚He certainly is, Mr. Ratliff. But I’m sure mr. Lambert understands that you need to figure it out on your own first before you go looking for help. Don’t you?’

‚Y-yes, sir.’ Adam stutters, his face resembling a fire truck.

‚Good, now get back to the assignment, gentlemen. And the rest of the class too now that we have heard Mr. Ratliff’s important message.’

The class giggles and returns to the assignment, including Adam. Tommy on the other hand sends another text to Adam to get the attention back to what he feels are much more important matters.

Adam caves and he hates himself for it. He can’t flunk math, even if he will never ever need it again in his life. But his geography grade isn’t what he wants it to be either and if he has two close to flunking grades he can kiss that job on that cruise ship he has had his eyes on all year goodbye because his parents will never let him.

_‚THIRD BASE?’_ he says a little too loud. Fuck, shit, fuckity-fuck. There is no way Mr. Anderson is going to believe now that they are doing their assignments or that Adam is really trying to help Tommy out.

‚I hope that is not your answer to the assignment, Mr. Lambert because I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you and tell you that that is incorrect.’

‚Sorry, sir.’ Adam really doesn’t know what else to say. There are no other words.

‚It’s alright, Mr. Lambert. Why don’t you and Mr. Ratliff pack up your things and report to principal Rosenberg, I am sure she will understand how the answer to today’s assignment can be third base.’

‚But… but…’

‚No buts, Mr. Lambert, not in here anyway. You can take those buts and sit them down in the principal’s office.’ And that was all Mr. Anderson said. He returns to the rest of the class, asking if anyone else got the same answer as Adam did and if not, what they did come up with instead.

There is nothing Adam can do but get up, get his stuff and walk the humiliating walk to Mrs. Rosenberg. This day just can’t get any better, now can it?

^v^

Exhausted is what he is. 

It usually happens after not sleeping for just about the entire night. He couldn’t get Adam’s piercing blue eyes out of his mind. It took him over an hour to finally remember the name that went with the guy’s face. The guy runs the tracks every time Jensen has cheer practice. Used to be a bit chubby but the tracks have done his body good. Not that Jensen had been paying attention to his body. No, it was just one of those things anyone would notice, that’s all.

He’s in his chem class too. He’s the quiet guy who is friends with that blond dude that wears even more make-up from his Spanish class, Tommy Joe Something. Jensen had always figured they were a couple. But that was until he spotted Tommy Joe making up with a chick at a party.

Jensen had been wracking his brains for 30 minutes for his name when he finally decided he couldn’t stand it anymore. He had gotten up to get his yearbook, everyone is in there, right? So Mr. Blue Eyes should be in there too, he just has to be. 

It had taken him two times going back and forth until he had finally found him in the theatre section. Of course… he should have started there. He had seen him perform in last year’s big play. He had taken his then-girlfriend Angela to see it. 

After he finally remembered the guy’s name, he still couldn’t sleep. He kept tossing and turning, trying desperately not to think about all the thing he should be thinking about. After that he tried to remember all the reasons why he shouldn’t be thinking about all the things he should be thinking about but that list is getting smaller and smaller every day.

At 4am he had given in and wanked off to all the thoughts he wasn’t ready for admitting and at 5am he had given up on sleep entirely. The hour long run and cold shower afterwards had helped him some but not enough.

But it would never be enough until he was ready to face the real world… his real world.

Right now though, he actually finally has other things to worry about. Staying awake during history class for example. His brain has already shut down, the rest of his body is trying to follow suit. It’s a good thing Jared is taking all the notes because there is no way he’ll remember a word Mrs. Lipki is trying to get through to her class.

Jared is trying everything he can to keep Jensen awake. He doesn’t know what happened to Jensen last night but the fact that his eyes keep shutting at long intervals is usually not the best sign. He wants to ask but Mrs. Lipki has a sixth sense for secret chats that have nothing to do with her class so doesn’t even dare to. She can also sense text messages. As if she has an internal radar for it or something. The mere fact that he is thinking about texting his friend, has her looking at him suspiciously already. No, no texts, no hushed convo’s just the occasional nudge or kick in the shin.

It drives Jensen nuts, the nudging, poking and kicking. Especially the kicking, that just hurts. Jared isn’t really subtle either. His shin is probably black and blue by now. But he’s trying to help. He will kick his friend in the shin as a thank you as soon as he is fully awake again. He just needs to make it through history class, then he can hit the coffee machine and look for that coffee-IV. Or figure out how that can actually be a thing.

He can feel his eyes get heavier. With every passing minute it’s harder to keep them open. But with still 36 minutes till the end of this class, he is going to need a few miracles to keep them open as wide as he can.

Then all of a sudden Mrs. Lipki changes into Ursula from The Little Mermaid. That’s odd. Okay, they both have the same figure and hair style, but it’s still weird. And her voice sounds like it’s miles away even though she is standing right in front of him. When did she put on that cloak?

‚Mr. Ackles? Mr. Ackles!’

Her voice is getting clearer and clearer, finally. It’s still not right but at least she’s getting her voice back. And why does she keep repeating his name. He’s paying attention, he’s giving all the answers, then why can’t she stop repeating his name?

‚Mr. Ackles, if you would please be so kind to grace us the pleasure of your awakened presence.’

Wait… what?

And why is his left cheek colder than the right one?

And his eyes are really closed? Or is it just dark in here?

Or maybe he just needs to realize that the one thing he couldn’t afford to do, is the one thing that unfortunately did happen. He fucking fell asleep after all. With a jolt he sits up. Eyes unfocussed but very much open. 

‚Ah, there you are again, Mr. Ackles. Is my class really that dull? Don’t you worry your pretty little head with an answer, you may save that for detention. Off you go.’

This can’t be happening. Not again. This is the second time in 3 weeks that he’s gotten detention and neither times have really been his fault. First Ginny keeps texting him non-stop after he had called it quits. When he finally has enough of the buzzing, he tries to turn his cell off only to get caught by the very same Mrs. Lipki and now this. 

Okay, so this wasn’t completely not his fault. It’s not as if Adam had literally kept him awake. The guy doesn’t even know Jensen. But in a way… it’s his fault. 

‚What are you waiting for, Mr. Ackles? A red carpet? A valet to escort you? Get a move on, I have students waiting who all manage to stay awake during my class.’

With those words, she turns around and returns to her lecture, not spending a single second longer on the matter that is Jensen. Jensen packs his bags and as he hears his teacher explain something, he has no idea if she’s talking about the civil war, the first world war or the American revolutionary war. Jared will tell him after detention, he’s sure.

The walk to the principal’s office is long, even though it’s only one long hall away. He walks past the coffee machine and is tempted to get some first. It’ll at least help him stay awake until he can get his next fix. But maybe that’s just tempting fate. He knows Mrs. Lipki is already informing Mrs. Rosenberg’s secretary that he is on his way.

^v^

This is humiliating. Adam has never gotten detention before and now he and Tommy are the only ones in the little waiting section across from Ms. Scranton’s desk. His afternoon is shot to hell because he knows he’ll be in detention this afternoon already too. And on the day they’re picking the understudy for Fiyero in the school’s so very much under appreciated version of Wicked and yes, he’s got that part already but he knows who the rest of the group want as understudy and the guy is just so not compatible for the part. How no one sees that is beyond him. (That and the guy has an obsessed infatuation with him but he is so not his type.)

‚Mr. Lambert, Mr. Ratliff, to what do I owe you the pleasure?’ Ms. Scranton, the secretary to principal Rosenberg asks. She’s got pink hair today… wasn’t it black last week?

‚Detention, Ms.’ Tommy says a little incredulously. Isn’t it obvious?

‚You’re kidding, right? Even Adam? What on earth have you boys done? From you, I don’t really expect anything else, thanks to your detentions, I got my laptop updated again but Adam? Really? Sweetie, how on earth did you manage this?’

Before Adam can respond however, Ms. Scranton starts reading out loud the e-mail that Mr. Anderson must have just sent, informing her of the arrival of both students.

‚Ah, here it is. So, third base, huh? Which one of the too got lucky and which other one was surprised about that fact? I want to say Adam got lucky because I know Tommy here is dating Lizzy?’

But again, both Tommy and Adam are saved from answering by the arrival of another student lucky enough to get to spend time with the principal. For some weird reason, Adam feels better about that fact. Just never ask him to explain why, thank you.

He’s happy for all of 3 seconds. That is until the new arrival speaks up and it’s that damn low voice that haunts his dreams every night. Why? Why not any other student? Why him? How the hell is he going to get through this period now? And oh dear god… if he’s in here now, he’ll be in detention this afternoon too, won’t he?

‚And Mr. Ackles too. This is quite the busy morning here. Such fun. I already knew you were coming, mr. sleepyhead.’

How the hell is she always this cheery? How much sugar is actually in that cup of tea? Is that really tea?

‚You can all sit down there until Mrs. Rosenberg has time to see you. Even you, Tommy. Just to make it look legit, of course… though if you could help me in a bit with my mail settings, I will be forever grateful.’

Tommy rushes to the chair nearest the exit. This leaves only two other chairs available. The bastard, now Adam has no choice but to sit in the middle chair. He’s not taking the seat on the other side of the three available chairs. That would leave Jensen in the middle and thus make it impossible for Adam to have any kind of communication with his traitorous best friend.

He sits down lost and defeated. This day just can’t get any worse, can it?

Unfortunately, it can. The warmth radiating off of Jensen next to him is intoxicating. Immediately he feels those damned feral hormones rise, like they do every time Jensen is near him. He sits up straighter and had he been a dog, he would have growled, letting the rest of the room know what is his.

And that’s why it’s a good thing he isn’t a dog. He would have a lot of explaining to do.

^v^

Jensen sits down in the only available seat left. Next to the one person who had haunted his insomniac night. Someone must be laughing his ass off right now.

Even at the same height as Adam, he feels small sitting next to him. What the fuck is wrong with him?

‚Hey!’ He tries. Lame, but at least it’s something. He gets two hey’s back. Tommy Joe is trying to hide a grin and Adam next to him is trying very hard not to look at him. Shit, he doesn’t have something on his face, right?

‚So… did you guys fall asleep during first period too?’ He tries to laugh off. Anything to get Adam to talk to him. Why? Why does he want that? Because of yesterday? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with him? He’s acting like a chick with a crush. And he is the opposite of both! Yes, he is!

‚You fell asleep?’ Tommy Joe answers with a chuckle. ‚Man, you did worse than us.’

‚Hey, I’ve got a reputation to uphold, right?’. He laughs. It’s all big talk but at least he feels Adam relax a little next to him. ‚So, what did you do to end up here?’

‚Adam over here exclaimed his surprise about my relationship progress with Lizzy a little too enthusiastically.’

‚Liz? The mere fact that she’s allowed to date anyone is worth an exclamation of praise. She’s an awesome chick, she sits behind me in geography. Wait… was that the ‚third base’ about that I heard Ms. Scranton say a little too enthusiastically? Really? Dude, congrats!’

‚Just never let her know you know, dude. She’ll kill me… if her father doesn’t get to me first. He is one scary-ass motherfucker.’

‚Don’t worry, I saw the guy once. Scared the crap out of me and I’m not even really friends with her. Your secret’s safe with me.’

Tommy visibly sighs with relief. Then he gets up to help Ms. Scranton with her e-mail. Which leaves Jensen with just Adam. Who is trying to untie his shoes with his eyes.

‚So, are you guys doing another play this year?’ And Jensen just won the award for lamest attempt to start a conversation.

‚Yeah,’ Adam answers ‚We’re doing the worst rendition of Wicked this year. Ms. Culpepper thought it would be fun to ‚update’ the play. And don’t get me started on her initial idea to change Elphaba to a more ‚human’ color because… and I quote ‚she looks like she’s going to be sick and the audience will think the same and thus her character will not come across like she deserves.’

Sorry… rambling. I’ll be shutting up now.’

‚Nah, it’s okay. Thanks for the warning. I’ll be looking out for a non-green Alphiesomething. Did you get a good part?’ Good one, Ackles. You haven’t the slightest idea what play he’s talking about but you’re asking him which part he’s playing. You do know you can’t access Wikipedia with your mind, right?

‚I play the part of Fiyero, which is awesome. He’s Elphaba’s love interest but I’m not sure if that will still come across after Ms. Culpepper is done with her re-write, ugh.’

‚That sounds like a big part. Is it lead again?’

‚Yeah, I… wait, how do you know I had a leading part before?’ Adam is honestly surprised. Why? Hasn’t everyone in school gone to see that play? Isn’t that part of school spirit or some shit?

‚I saw you play Danny last year in another true Ms. Culpepper style adaptation of Grease… or what was left of it.’ Grease set today’s world, yeah, he wouldn’t soon forget that, no matter who played lead.

‚You really came to the schoolplay before? Really?’ Why is this guy so surprised about that fact?

‚Hey, don’t sound so surprised. I’m a cheerleader remember? I’m supposed to cheer for our school, so yeah. I took my girlfriend to see it.’

‚Oh yeah, right… the girlfriend phase.’ Adam whispers.

‚Sorry, what?’ Jensen thinks he heard Adam right, but he needs to make sure.

‚N-nothing.’ Adam stammers. Apparently Jensen should not have heard that.

‚No, I want to know. What do you mean with girlfriend _phase_?’

He watches as Adam blushes first. Then recomposes himself, takes a deep breath and looks Jensen right in the eyes when he says:

‚Because you’re gay… You do know that, right?’

Ms. Scranton stops typing. Tommy Joe tries to hide a gasp. He feels like the entire school just went dead silent, even if no one else in the room could possibly have heard what Adam had just said.

‚Say what now?’ Because, really?

‚Oh please, stop denying already.’ The incredulous look on Adam’s face almost makes him want to laugh, had this not been a little too serious for that. Jensen is close to panicking by now. 

‚And what makes you think I am?’

‚Call it a sixth sense. I don’t see dead people, just the gay ones. And with you, every bell in the house goes off in my head whenever I see you. But you must secretly kinda know already yourself, right?’

‚NO! You want to know why? Because I’m not, you dick. Just because you are, doesn’t mean the entire male population is. Jesus fuck!’

He wants to run, get as far away from this room, this school, Adam, as he possibly can. He can’t believe Adam just accuses him of something like that. He still needs to have that conversation in his own head first. Not have, basically, complete strangers tell him straight out that he isn’t, in fact, straight. 

But he’s saved by the principal. 

‚Mr. Ratliff, Mr. Lambert, please come in.’ She says, giving Jensen a stern look as if she can see what he was about to do. The door closes behind them and he looks at Ms. Scranton. He has never seen her pretend to work so intense in all the years he has been in this tiny office.


	3. Chapter 3

‘Really, dude! What were you thinking? Remember when you came out to me that one day and then a few days later I told you that I had known for years? _That’s how you do that!_ Of all people, you should know what it’s like!’ Tommy Joe is yelling at Adam during first break. 

Adam knows he did wrong but he couldn’t help himself. It just happened. He couldn’t have stopped himself, had he wanted to.

‘And Adam, even if it’s true, even if you’re right…’

‘I know, okay? Fuck. I know I fucked up. He’s never going to look at me again now. Not that he ever had but… shit. He has seen me in last year’s play and he remembered who I played and that I had the lead…’ Adam is rambling. ‘Don’t think he’s going to repeat a visit this year.’

By the look on Tommy’s face, this surprises him a little. ‘He did?’ He asks. ‘I think he may have just opened up that closet door a little bit for you.’

‘Yeah, and how do I repay that gesture? By slamming it shut with my big mouth. I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re not stupid, Adam. But you’re not the smartest either. Look… if he really _is_ gay, like you say he is, then he’ll come out again eventually.’

‘I hope so. Not that I will benefit from it much. But I hope someone else will.’ Adam can’t eat his sandwich anymore. He’s too mad at himself. He plucks tiny pieces and throws them out on the school lawn, hoping the birds will at least enjoy it more than he could.

He knows he’s feeling sorry for himself. He knows he did wrong. He shouldn’t have said anything. But just like every time he sees Jensen, something primal inside him takes over and he can’t seem to stop himself.

Adam sees Jensen later that afternoon in the hallway. Jensen ignores him completely and Adam can’t really blame him. Though very secretly he hopes that maybe Jensen is going to open his eyes a little bit. He has almost never been this sure of something than he is right now. 

At the end of the school day, even after theatre practice, Adam walks back to his car and finds Tommy already waiting for him. For some weird reason, Mrs. Rosenberg had decided to split up the both of them and let Tommy have his detention this afternoon while Adam will not have his until Thursday. _Thursday!_ Either Mrs. Rosenberg doesn’t like theatre much or she really doesn’t like Ms. Culpepper much, keeping one of her leads away from practice.

‘So, how was it?’ Adam unlocks the doors to his old, crappy car. ‘Was it bad?’

‘Nah… It was Ms. Michaels’ turn to babysit detention. She’s the best to have. I got to do a little homework and had some fun texting Lizzy, if you know what I mean?’

‘Ms. Michaels from gym? Does she always run detention hall? Please say yes?’ 

‘Sorry, bro. She’s only babysitting on Tuesday’s and Friday’s. Don’t know who’s the unlucky one for Thursday’s, sorry. But hey, if you’re lucky, maybe your boy Jensen will be there too. He wasn’t in detention with me today.’

As awful as this day started, Adam can’t help but smile for the rest of the drive home. He doesn’t even mind doing his homework. And maybe he does a little for Friday’s homework too… Just in case… It has nothing to do with maybe wanting to spend more time ogling his favorite cheerleader during possible detention at all…

It’s late at night when Adam is about to turn off the light on his night stand when his phone rings. He doesn’t recognize the number but the weird thing is; he answers anyway. Something he doesn’t ever do.

‘Hello???’

‘Adam?’ A deep voice says with a little hesitation.

‘Y-yeah?’ Adam answers tentatively. He thinks he recognizes that voice but he doesn’t have this number.

‘It’s…’ He hears the person on the other line take another deep breath. ‚It’s Jensen. I hope I didn’t wake you?’

So it _is_ the person he thought he recognized. His stomach is doing flip-flops. His heart is going a mile a minute. He has dreamt of this moment for so many times. But somehow he doesn’t think it will end the same way though.

‘Nah,’ he answers ‚I was going through my lines.’ One big lie. He was reading a magazine with a huge article on Ian Sommarhalder, but Jensen can’t see that so what’s the harm?

‘Oh, okay. Good.’ Another deep breath.

‘Can I ask you something? Jensen starts. ‚How did you know you were… you know…’

‘What? Gay?’

‘Yeah. When did you know?’

‘I think I maybe started to realize I was different from everyone else when I was thirteen-ish. But I didn’t admit it to myself until I was fifteen.’

‘Do you remember that? That you admitted it to yourself? What was that like?’

Why? Why do you want to know?’ Because seriously, why would he want to know? Is he serious? ‘So you can make fun of me at school? Get back at me or something?’

‘No! No, I promise. I would never do that. But please, will you tell me? I-I need to know.’

‘If I find out you told anyone, I’m going to KILL you. Just so you know.’

‘If I ever would tell anyone, which I won’t, I will let the entire school watch while you kill me. I’ll even hand you your weapon of choice.’

‘Okay…’ Now it’s Adam’s turn to take a deep breath. ‘I cried my eyes out when I came out to myself. I was so scared. I hated myself for being this way. I locked myself in my room for a month. Hardly ate, hardly slept. i didn’t want to see anyone. Not even Tommy. until he just barged into my room one day and demanded to know what the fuck was wrong with me.

He was the first I ever told it to. Not even my parents knew at this point. I couldn’t tell them yet. Even though I knew they would support me no matter what.

A few days after I told Tommy, he told me he had already known for a long time but he said I needed to admit it to myself first.’

Adam takes another deep breath. 

‘I-I am sorry about what I did to you. I shouldn’t have said what I said. Whether you are or you aren’t, I shouldn’t have confronted you like that.’

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a while. He’s almost scared that Jensen isn’t even there anymore until he can hear his breathing. He hopes his silence is a good thing. You never know how someone might take an apology like that.

‘I remember the exact moment I realised I had to come out to myself…’ Adam continues quietly. He doesn’t know why he’s telling his story but for some reason it feels right. ‘I was watching True Blood and I couldn’t care less about Sookie, naked or not. But as soon as Eric entered, something happened. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.’

‘And… and your parents? What did they say when you finally told them? Or haven’t you told them yet?’ Jensen grows more and more quiet as the minutes pass. Adam wants to know everything that is going through his head, which has to be a lot at this point, if his suspicions are still so very true.

‘Yes, I’ve told them. Not that I needed to. Apparently, with me, it was very obvious.’ Adam tries to laugh it off like a joke. It’s not a very funny one, he knows, but at least he hopes it helps Jensen relax a little.

‘Hey, I’m sorry for asking you this, but is there a reason you want to know all this all of a sudden? Do you need any help with anything? Cause I somehow doubt you just had a thought ‚hey, here’s an idea; let’s give old Adam a call’.’

‘I… I gotta go. Bye.’ A click and then silence followed. 

Shit, did he just fuck up again? Should he not have asked why he wanted to know all this? He shouldn’t have… again… shouldn’t he?

Is it too late to call Tommy?

^v^

What did he just do? Wasn’t he super pissed at Adam? Then why the fuck did he just call him?

Because of the thing he’s not thinking about. Because he’s not. Or at least not yet. Not until he knows for certain that he is going to be able to handle it all. Right now he is just freaking out and freaking out is per definition not handling anything well.

The conversation keeps playing in his head. He hadn’t expected that Adam had taken it so hard when he realized what he was. At school he always seems so confident. He tries to think back to when he first heard that Adam was gay. He can’t recollect it at all. Had Adam ever really come out at school? He just was and everyone knew and it was no big deal. 

But he also remembers when his friend Dean came out last year. The guy had been in his senior year and it had been the talk of the school. _No one_ saw that coming. He had lost a lot of friends over that, he’s in counseling now, or so Jensen has heard. Jensen had tried to stay friends with him. Why wouldn’t he? He had still been the same guy as before! But the bad reactions that Dean had gotten, had taken a huge toll on him and he turned away from everyone. Even from his real friends. 

He had left school 3 months before graduation. Finished it through home schooling. He’s moved to a gay friendly college but is still very private. Maybe one day, when they’re both ready, he’ll try to get in touch with him again. He’d like that.

Two different people going through the very same thing, yet both experiences differ like night and day. He can’t really draw any kind of conclusion from that. He needs to hear more stories. Problem! He doesn’t know anyone else who can tell their story. Well… he does… but he's not ready to go to an LGBTQ club meeting. Because he’s not. Or at least not yet.

So many questions in his head make it impossible to think. Every question demands an answer and they all demand it now. But he can’t answer them all _right now_. Because he doesn’t have the answers yet. 

He wants to give Adam another call, maybe he has a few answers. He knows Adam will answer any question he has. But if he calls him again, Adam is going to ask questions of his own again. Like that question he asked right before Jensen chickened out and hung up on him.

He wants to Google all his questions, but what if his sister borrows his laptop again, like she had done three months ago? What if she checks his internet history files? Not that she had before, but what if she does this time? Or what if she types in the first few letters of a website and she hits those websites he still wants to hide?

Or, he could just _erase_ his history, Jensen! Because it can be that simple, Jensen. Shees…

Tentatively he opens his laptop, dims the brightness of the screen, turns off all lights in his room and types the words he’s too afraid to think out loud ‚I think I might be gay’. Before he’s done typing, Google gives him proof he’s not the only one with the very same fear. And 160 million+ sites should provide answers, or at least, that’s what the site tells him.

Site after site, link after link, he clicks and reads and clicks some more. By the time he falls asleep, way past 2am, he’s still not really any of the wiser. He has read so many positive but also negative stories. 

Yes, they all have the same moral ‚It Gets Better’. Sure it does, but that’s in the long run and it’s not an insurance policy either. He needs to know about the now, too and what his success rate will be.

What if it’s hard in the beginning? Hard like it had been for Dean. What if it stays like that? What if ‘it’ doesn’t ‘get better’? What if he ends up miserable, alone or dead after all?

That night is the first night he has nightmares about his life if he ‘chooses’ to become what he isn’t… yet. 

The next day he’s possibly even more tired than the morning before. But he makes it through all his classes without falling asleep. _And_ he manages to escape answering all the questions both Jared and Misha keep throwing at him. It actually hurts him that he doesn’t want to confide in them with this but he needs to. For now.

Jared tags along when he goes home after school. There’s no cheer practice on wednesdays, one of the very few days a week. Jared is still looking at him funny but he doesn’t push the matter. Or at least not until they get to Jensen’s room.

‘Dude, can I ask you something?’

Jensen knows what’s coming. He doesn’t want it to.

‘Is something bothering you? You seem… I don’t know… ‘off’ lately.’

‘Nah, I’m doing just fine. Bit of trouble sleeping but other than that, I’m peachy keen.’

‘Seriously, Jen. I know something is up. You know you can tell me right?’

‘What are you? A girl?’

‘I’m serious, Jen.’

‘Look, I’m trying to sort a few things out at the moment. I’m fine, I really am. I just need some time to figure things out. Can you give me that time? You know I’ll come bug you about it as soon as you don’t want to hear about it anymore.’

‘You didn’t knock Ginny up, did you?’

Jensen almost wants to say that you need to have actual intercourse with someone to do that. Instead he says ‚Oh dear god, no. That’s why rubbers are invented, remember?’

For a short second, Jared actually looks hurt because his best friend will not confide in him with his problems. But he regains himself, or he pretends to. And they move on to other, more important, matters: how to get Genevieve to go out with Jared.

Every once in a while, he feels Jared watching him. Knowing there is something wrong with Jensen but since he promised not to push the matter, he leaves it be. Jensen is thankful but he hates this. He needs his best friend’s support but he needs to figure himself out first. 

Over the next few weeks, Jensen tries to find every LGBTQ website there is. Yet after weeks, he’s still none the wiser for himself. The positive stories still don’t outnumber the negative ones and he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. Not that he needs to cause, you know… he still isn’t… 

And for some reason, he does the one thing he’s not sure he wants to do. 

‘Adam? It’s Jensen. Do you have a minute?’


	4. Chapter 4

‘Adam? It’s Jensen. Do you have a minute?’

Adam is in bed again. About to turn off the light and not think about a certain boy with green eyes. The very same one calling him at this very minute.

‘Eh, hey Jensen. Sure, what’s up?’

‘Did you ever regret, even for just a moment, coming out?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Have you ever regretted it?’

‘Why would I?’ Adam _thinks_ he knows where he is going to but he needs to make sure first.

‘Haven’t you ever gotten shit for it? No one ever hurt you because of what you admitted to being? No one ever turn your back on you? You know, that kind of regret.’

‘Sure I did. I actually have an aunt and uncle who refuse to talk to me or even my parents and brother anymore. And some kids at school gave me a hard time, some still do.’

‘No one ever beat you up?’

‘One kid did, but TommyJoe kindly thanked him with a broken nose.’

‘And that never made you wish you hadn't told everyone?’

‘And lie to myself? No way. Sure, things might be tougher than before but at least I’m honest with myself and about myself.

Jensen, you still there?’ Adam asks after the line stays quiet for a bit.

‘I… I’m scared.’ Adam can hear the real fear in Jensen’s voice. He’s not joking.

‘Talk to me, Jensen. Why are you scared? Will you tell me? You don’t have to if you don’t want to but you can tell me if you want. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.’

Again it takes Jensen a little while to reply. Adam knows this fear. He’s lived this fear. 

‘I’m scared of what they’ll do to me. I’m a captain in the cheer leading squad! They think I bang chicks left and right. They will not be as open and accepting about this as they have been with you.’

Adam feels proud of Jensen. He doesn’t say it yet, maybe later but now is not the time yet. He needs to let Jensen talk. He hasn’t officially come out yet, but he has admitted feelings and that is a start. Jensen has found the lock of the door of that closet. 

‘But you can’t live your whole life a big lie, can you? Is _that_ worth it? To me it wasn’t. It’s okay to be scared, maybe it’s good to be even. But the fear should not outweigh the happiness that can also come with it.’

‘Happiness?’ Jensen sounds like a hopeful puppy.

‘Duh. Yes, happiness. Ever since I admitted to myself who and ‘what’ I was, I could finally admit to crushes. Gah, that first boy-crush is the best. Your first real kiss. I can go on and on. It’s like a whole new world opening up for you, I promise. Not all will be good but the good parts can be sooooo much better that you’ll forget about the bad parts all together.’

‘Is everything really that different? A kiss is just a kiss, right?’

This is when Adam can’t hold a little chuckle. ‘Why don’t you come over and I’ll show you.’

Wait, did he really just say that?

’N-now?’ The fear in Jensen’s voice has multiplied at least tenfold. 

‘No, not now, you dingo. It’s almost midnight, we have school tomorrow and this boy needs his beauty sleep.’

‘R-right, you’re right. We should get some sleep, don’t think I can but I can at least try, right?’

‘We can talk for a little while longer. Want to tell me who your secret crush is? If you feel safer, a celebrity crush is just as fine.’

‘I… Can you go first?’

‘This month it is definitely Ian Sommerhalder. Have you seen his eyes?’ Adam chats for a while, trying to relax Jensen again. He reminds him of himself when he first came out to himself. So scared yet wanting to know everything.

‘Chris Evans, you know, ‘Captain America’?’ Jensen says suddenly and very quickly and almost a whisper. For a second Adam thinks he might have heard him completely wrong, but he just knows he hasn’t.

‘Phoahhh, yeah, he purdy.’ Adam says, hopefully calming Jensen down a little bit. ‘You know you’re safe with me, right? That I won’t tell anyone, not even Tommy?’ He then follows. He doesn’t know why he says it, especially when they just start talking boys, but it just feels right.

‘… Thanks dude… I never _ever_ told anyone about The Cap before. Jared just thinks I love the Marvel shit. I do… but… well, you apparently get me, right?’

‘Do I ever!’

‘Wouldn’t mind if he was my first kiss.’ Jensen chuckles, feeling lighter than he has in weeks.

‘Wait, I thought I had dibs on that?’ What the hell is wrong with Adam? He doesn’t say stuff like that, he only ever just _thinks_ it.

‘I-I thought you were just kidding?’ Shit, Lambert, look at what you’ve done! He’s back to that scared big boy again.

‘Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Maybe you should really come by one time and you’ll find out.’ Jesus fuck, shut the fuck up, dude. You’re only making it worse.

‘I’ll think about it.’ Adam thinks he can actually hear a blush in Jensen’s voice and thinks it’s the cutest ever. He still has it hard for the cheerleader, that’s for sure.

‘I really should try to catch those z’s and apparently you need some beauty sleep. So, ehm, thanks again, I guess. ‘Night.’

And just like last time, Jensen hangs up before Adam can even say goodbye. 

Adam actually stares at his phone this time. Last time Jensen called, Adam could figure out why he hung up so suddenly, but this time? He couldn’t be offended by his joke remark to kiss him, right?

_*Did I say something wrong?_ He texts, just to make sure. Almost immediately he receives an answer back. 

_*What? ‘Course not. Y?_

_*U hung up v quickly. Just wanna make sure._

_*No worries, dude. cu 2m_

Adam still isn’t satisfied. He just had another amazing conversation (mostly because hello, he was talking to Jensen on the phone and Jensen talked back and it wasn’t a dream again) yet he gets cut off every time it gets even better. 

He lays back on his pillow, hands behind his head, replaying the conversation in his head. He can’t believe the things he had said, he has never been this forward before with anyone. Not that he’s been ‘with’ anyone but the times he had gotten close to friendly with a boy, he had never been this forward, ever.

And it hadn’t been blind boldness either, he had meant every word of it. He had actually meant to dare Jensen into coming over and he probably would have kissed him too. _Jensen!_ The guy he has had a crush on ever since he realized he was gay! He has never been this forward about anything in his life. Or at least not unless it was with his closest friends. 

He wants to text Tommy but it’s after midnight again. He should get some sleep, he has rehearsals after school tomorrow and his voice needs to be in tip top shape.

But he gets his phone out again anyway. Adam needs to get this off his chest. He needs to talk to someone about it. Only Tommy will understand. 

_*U still up?_  
*I know u r online  
*I dared Jensen to kiss me! 

_*Say what now?_

_*Knew that would get ur attention.  
*He called me again. He said something and I told him to come over and kiss me. WTF is wrong with me? Where does that even come from? U know I’m not like that_

_*w Jensen u r different so maybe it’s not so strange after all_

_*Am I?_

_*u know u r. U said it urself. What did he say to make u say?_

_*All I’ll say is we were talking about kissing & I just dared him_

_*What did he say?_

_*He thought I was joking._

_*Fuck_

_*What do I do now?_

_*Go for it! :P_

_*Srsly_

_*I am! U deserve some smooches. Get some. Get him alone_

_*Easy for u to say. U already have some1_

_*With the father from hell. Not that easy, dude_

_*Sorry, true, but still_

_*Just go for it. Get him alone and stick ur tongue down his throat :P_

_*Not helping ;-)  
*Night Night_

_*Sleep with your hands above the blankets, young man_

_*Fuck u_

_*u wish. Sleep first_

Adam puts his phone back on his night stand. He needs to go to sleep but his mind is still a whirlwind. He does the only thing he knows works at this hour. His right hand quickly makes its way underneath the covers and under the hem of his shorts. It doesn’t last long, even the tissue to catch his come is in place only just in time.

It works like a charm, he falls asleep quickly after that, satisfaction clear on his face.


End file.
